It is a small innocent word … just 5 little letters, but it carries such a big stick.
Merriam-Webster defines Guilt as a: the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.
Guilt comes in many shapes and forms and can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I realize I’m only two months into this whole Mommy Business, but guilt has already set in.
- I feel guilty that instead of spending quality time with my children, I find myself multitasking. (ie folding clothes while sitting on the floor playing with the kiddos).
- I feel guilty when I drop them off at school for strangers to care for them.
- I feel guilty that it feels good to be at work instead of at home.
- I feel guilty when I go to Target. I feel like I should be at home soaking up every moment with them, all while needing a break at the same time.
- I feel guilty that I feel relieved to have help feeding the boys. By the 16 bottle I need a break, but then isn't it my job to love, care and nurture my children!?!?
Now for the big one:
I have the ability and opportunity to provide the best possible nourishment to my children. It is something they can’t get anywhere else and that no one else can give them. However it takes a lot of time and work (OK, not like digging ditches or anything but still seems like work) to make this happen. But every time I hook up to the pump my mood changes. Matter of fact I dread it. I’ve considered many times to give it up but ending it means they will never get it again. There is that guilt again!
I know guilt will never leave my side. It is here until the end.
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I have so much to update and will hate myself it I don't get it done because in a year when I read back through these posts I will be sad that I missed documenting Month 2 of their life.
With that…more to come!
You're so right. Guilt can carry a big stick. And I'm not sure there is anything that can be said to change that for a new mama. For me, anyway, the only thing that started to lessen the force of that hateful emotion was time and experience.
ReplyDeleteIn a loosely related way, I have written two separate posts on mamas making, and feeling comfortable with, their choices. One was about the choice whether/how long to breastfeed, and the other about our choices regarding parenting "systems." If you look in my archives, they are called Watch Yourself, Watch Your Words (April 2010) and On Becoming Wise (July 2010). If you have time to check those out, hopefully you'll find some additional encouragement there.
Hugs to you! You're doing an awesome job with those little men!!